This Was Supposed to be a Fury Road Review and I Fucked That Up Good.
Mad Max: Fury Road is about as perfect a Hollywood film as you can hope for in 2015. It has everything you want: characters you give a fuck about, a minimalist story that works for the film; and it doesn’t rely on over-scripted bullshit to get the characters over. It’s what you want from a Mad Max film. Haven’t seen it? Fucking go. It’s fun. Don’t see it in 3D. You want to see the set pieces and the amazing attention to detail (because this movie exists in the details).
You know what isn’t a perfect Hollywood film? What’s actually the drizzling shits and kinda the beginning of the end for a Billion dollar franchise?
Avengers: Age of Ultron.
Oh yeah, spoilers alert. The movie’s been out for months anyway, so fuck it. Also, I am gonna assume you have some knowledge of the Marvel Universe. If you don’t, it doesn’t really matter, as this is barely a film review anyway.
After the opening 20 minutes of heroes kicking ass, everything about this film sucks. Beyond that initial action sequence, the movie devolves into a disjointed mess searching for tone – and failing miserably. Ultron’s origin is almost as stupid as his character. They’ve re-written him as a fucking huge, menacing, killer robot with the personality of Spike from fucking Buffy (the Vampire Slayer, in case you didn’t know). The trailers do a fantastic job at completely avoiding this. But once Ultron cuts off a dude’s arm and starts wise-cracking you can’t help but ask yourself: “Who writes this shit?”
Joss Whedon, that’s who. Fuck you, Joss. Oh yeah, and just so it’s out there, fuck Firefly. It didn’t even deserve the one fucking season it had. I’ve got nothing personal against Joss Whedon. He comes across as a nice dude in interviews, and I will be the first to admit he’s done some terrific stuff (his run on X-men – the comic – and Cabin in the Woods). But this movie was ruined by him being him.
The film carries on like this for another 2 hours: nothing but screaming, explosions, and bullshit character arcs. There is an entire movie’s worth of characterization that is completely missing between the first and second installments of the franchise. Characters have changed with no fucking explanation. The entire picture fails on every level, because the viewer has zero investment in any of the changes. They just kinda happened off-screen and make no sense. So when horrific/tragic events fall on the heroes, no one cares but the fucking soundtrack, which obviously swells to the same minor key strings bullshit you hear in every film now. Fuck Hans Zimmer for making film music boring.
So what you end up with is a villain who makes no sense, characters that make no sense, and a story that makes zero fucking sense. Actually, I’m not even starting on the story. It was the Avengers film no one wanted, and it’s set the next series of films up to fail.
The main issue is that, at this point in the franchise, they’ve barely established Thanos as a villain. If you don’t know, Thanos is the baddest motherfucker in the Marvel Universe. He’s in love with Death. Not Death the concept but the physical entity of Death in the Marvel Universe. This drives him to do some pretty crazy shit, like killing half the universe to try to please her. In the movie world, all we know is that he’s a purple dude with a cool space Lazy-boy, a really big Glove, and god awful teeth. This was the film to start building that character, but now they’re left with just one entry (the second Guardians of the Galaxy) to get Thanos over as a monster heel.
Putting this in classic Pro Wrestling terms, this is the equivalent of Andre the Giant coming out on WWF Superstars the week before Wrestlemania 3 to challenge Hulk Hogan to a match. Instead of taking a full year to build to this one huge fucking match, building mystery (can Hulk Hogan win? Can Hogan slam Andre the Giant? And so on…), they rush it in a week and no one cares. When you spend time establishing characters, building motives and exposing weakness in the heroes, people lap it up. This is why the crowd popped every time Hulk Hogan made his comeback, because they had a year of thinking “Can Hulk win?” He spends 90% of the match selling for the heel, then BOOM, the Hulk’s up, three punches, big boot, leg drop, 1-2-3 (Or in WM3’s case, Hulk’s up, body slam, leg drop, 1-2-3). Cue, “Real American”.
The same formula is what made “Empire Strikes Back” such a great picture. For all that we rag on George Lucas, he’s responsible for perhaps the greatest ending to a middle flick in a trilogy. The rebellion is on the ropes, Han is encased in carbonite at Jabba’s place, Luke daddy issues are in full effect, and everything is falling apart. You actually start to think that maybe, just maybe, they aren’t going to win. And this is exactly what the second Avengers should have been.
Here’s how it should’ve gone, the cliffs notes version: keep the same opening scene, to establish motive (recover Loki’s staff/the mind gem). Thanos, who we’ve seen collecting the gems in Guardians of the Galaxy, then sends a Lieutenant to Earth to get it, and the Avengers barely win the fight. They feel good about themselves. They feel unbeatable. Tony Stark is all “bring on the fucking universe, we can take ‘em, we’re the fucking Avengers” (because they assemble, and shit). So Thanos gets pissed at the incompetence of his troops and just starts doing it himself. Give him one of the Infinity Gems, just one (in GotG 2, show how he got it, and make it just fucking brutal for a PG-13 film.), and have him slaughter the Avengers. They don’t even make a fight of it. It’s just 15 minutes of them just getting fucking obliterated, and the film ends with the team licking its wounds, wondering who the fuck that was and what the hell just happened, and fearing the entire Universe even more than they already do.
So you’ve got a sudden, Empire Strikes Back-style ending, where the villain has been established as the baddest mother fucker in the entire universe, the heroes are crushed and living in fear, thinking there isn’t any way to win the war that has just started. The picture ends with Captain America and Tony Stark at each other’s throats and splitting the team, which then leads nicely into the next big Marvel Movie (Captain America: Civil War).
This pushes the entire MCU forward. It brings weight and meaning to the films coming up after it. It helps build and define the Universe and makes it feel more real. The reason why we go to see shit like this instead of art films is because sometimes all we want is escapist crap. There is nothing wrong with wanting better from that escapist crap.
So yeah, go see Fury Road. It fucking rules. – SHANE
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